Wow. I just watched the video of my marimba concert that I put on in June of 2008. And I have some things to say.
First off, wow, I thought I was better than that. I really fucked that up a lot. The other thing about it is, I look at myself in that concert and I see somebody who I don't want to be!! I was (and still feel) incredibly insecure! Holy shit!! You know when you look at somebody and you can tell they are acting? I really feel like I acted through my whole concert. And I'm not even that good! It's like a bunch of showmanship to play up my marimba pieces, and make them look harder than they are. Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid. And I can see that very, very clearly now. I see how much insecurity I have and carry around with myself. It's got to go. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it... but I am, somehow. You can't be a real man without getting rid of your insecurities. And I have a lot of them.
First off, I'm extremely worried about what people will think about me. All the time. It wasn't so bad as it is now, especially. I don't know what my deal is. And I also saw a snippet of myself teaching tango and dancing a demo tango... and boy, I just want to hang my head and laugh at myself. What a sham!
This isn't my insecurity talking. I don't feel bad about it at all. I just feel like I'm lacking some serious maturity, and that I just now realize just how much I'm lacking it. Really seriously. And I need it back. Or I need to get it in the first place. I feel like a pimple-nosed wimpy dork and it's weird because I've done a lot of stuff in my life and I shouldn't be like that.
So I am going to stop it. Because whatever it is that leads to that needs to go away. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I realize now has been the root of all of my self esteem and depression problems. I need to love myself, and to do that, I need to be comfortable with myself first.
I will be exploring ways to do that in the very, very near future. But for now, it's 4:00 AM on the east coast (where I currently am sitting) and I have to go to bed.
I'm very pleased that I realized what I did tonight. It is going to help me realize my new self, the one that I have been looking for for a *very* long time now.
Good night.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Here's to better health
I've decided that it is time for me to make an effort and start writing again.
I could care less who reads it. I just know that lately I have been feeling incomparable to people around me for some reason. Maybe a large part of it is having some of the most important people in your life say as horrible of things as they did, and act how they acted. And I'm not blaming anyone for anything. But to be honest with you, I don't have enough 20/20 hind-sight yet to fully feel like it really was just me being a dick/idiot/incompetent asshole/whatever you want to call me. In the last year of my life I have taken upon myself and endeavor that far outweighs anything I have ever tried (starting a business and supporting myself with it, which I'm proud to say I have been doing), and it has been the most stress that I have ever dealt with in an immeasurable sense.
It's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't yet experienced the workload and sheer uneasiness that you feel when all of your income is tied into this one struggling, un-established venture- a venture where only you and you alone stand between it and its total downfall- a venture that, if it fails, so do you.
I cannot say that I have had extreme success. I haven't. I keep getting hopeful with certain clients, less hopeful with others, but by and by I charge (closer to) what I'm worth and I've started actually feeling semi-financially stable again. It's incredibly nice to not live in (total) fear of making rent and your cell phone bill and eating your food. Because I'm tired of eating less to save money. That sucks, and it is bad for your health.
My attitude over the last 12 or so months has been pretty bad, I will admit. My overall morale has been bad. But looking at what I have been doing (I know, I volunteered myself), I feel as though it's pretty natural. In the face of something so intimidating as getting rid of your steady jobs and starting something new... it's scary! I'm scared shitless! The sheer stress of finances, and feeling like your clients are squeezing far, far more out of you than what they deserve (the cheap bastards!) and for far less appreciation than you deserve-- well, it takes a toll on your morale. Try it sometime. I gurantee that you will say, 'sheesh! It IS hard to be in a good mood all the time!'.
Lets focus for a minute on what I'm trying to say. I've been looking at myself in the mirror. I'm skinny. I'm pale. My neck is bothering me because I sit at my computer all day, every day. I am practically married to my computer, and because of it, I have begun to lose what I once valued as a strong set of social skills. I can feel it in myself, the fact that I am insecure and weak. I can't push myself to get off my ass when I'm not doing work, and it's driving me absolutely insane. That's not to say that I don't like what I do. But to be honest, if my life goes on like this for much longer... I will be making a change. I want to live. I want to see things and meet people and feel connections where I don't feel totally self-interested. I feel like the life I have been leading has made me an introverted, selfish LOSER! It's true!
If I were 40 pounds heavier and balding I would be identical to one of those... well, you know the picture. And I don't want to be that. I used to be quite an athlete-- state/semi-national cross country, varsity wrestling, track, hard core climber, etc. I used to be a very hard physical worker, I used to do a lot of things really well. Before I started this new life (especially in Argentina), I did a number of things on a weekly basis that were social and interactive with society.
The overall message of this is that I'm feeling a very "oh holy shit!" feeling. I'm scared that I'm turning into exactly the person I don't want to. I want to be a good, kind, caring, honest, hard working, respectable person that others see and value as a friend. I want to be important to others, I want to be respected and looked up to. How do you do that when you sit at a computer all day? You can't!
So here is my pledge. I am going to branch out more. I am going to get myself back in shape (even if my knees don't want me to-- there are other ways besides running). I am going to revitalize my social self. I am going to eat better. I am going to do everything necessary to live my life in a way that impacts everyone around me in a positive light. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough for people and I'm sick of feeling like there is validity in Amara Fitzsimmons' feelings that I am inadequate. And the only way to stop feeling like that is to believe it. And the only way to believe it is to do it.
I need to fall back in love with myself. Without love for yourself, you cannot give it to others. Without respect for yourself, you have absolutely nothing. And even though those closest to you may say or do things that hurt more than you could ever imagine, unfortunately sometimes you just have to 'keep on keepin' on'. Because a "what's the point?" attitude just doesn't cut it.
And It won't. So here's to my new life. Starting now.
I could care less who reads it. I just know that lately I have been feeling incomparable to people around me for some reason. Maybe a large part of it is having some of the most important people in your life say as horrible of things as they did, and act how they acted. And I'm not blaming anyone for anything. But to be honest with you, I don't have enough 20/20 hind-sight yet to fully feel like it really was just me being a dick/idiot/incompetent asshole/whatever you want to call me. In the last year of my life I have taken upon myself and endeavor that far outweighs anything I have ever tried (starting a business and supporting myself with it, which I'm proud to say I have been doing), and it has been the most stress that I have ever dealt with in an immeasurable sense.
It's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't yet experienced the workload and sheer uneasiness that you feel when all of your income is tied into this one struggling, un-established venture- a venture where only you and you alone stand between it and its total downfall- a venture that, if it fails, so do you.
I cannot say that I have had extreme success. I haven't. I keep getting hopeful with certain clients, less hopeful with others, but by and by I charge (closer to) what I'm worth and I've started actually feeling semi-financially stable again. It's incredibly nice to not live in (total) fear of making rent and your cell phone bill and eating your food. Because I'm tired of eating less to save money. That sucks, and it is bad for your health.
My attitude over the last 12 or so months has been pretty bad, I will admit. My overall morale has been bad. But looking at what I have been doing (I know, I volunteered myself), I feel as though it's pretty natural. In the face of something so intimidating as getting rid of your steady jobs and starting something new... it's scary! I'm scared shitless! The sheer stress of finances, and feeling like your clients are squeezing far, far more out of you than what they deserve (the cheap bastards!) and for far less appreciation than you deserve-- well, it takes a toll on your morale. Try it sometime. I gurantee that you will say, 'sheesh! It IS hard to be in a good mood all the time!'.
Lets focus for a minute on what I'm trying to say. I've been looking at myself in the mirror. I'm skinny. I'm pale. My neck is bothering me because I sit at my computer all day, every day. I am practically married to my computer, and because of it, I have begun to lose what I once valued as a strong set of social skills. I can feel it in myself, the fact that I am insecure and weak. I can't push myself to get off my ass when I'm not doing work, and it's driving me absolutely insane. That's not to say that I don't like what I do. But to be honest, if my life goes on like this for much longer... I will be making a change. I want to live. I want to see things and meet people and feel connections where I don't feel totally self-interested. I feel like the life I have been leading has made me an introverted, selfish LOSER! It's true!
If I were 40 pounds heavier and balding I would be identical to one of those... well, you know the picture. And I don't want to be that. I used to be quite an athlete-- state/semi-national cross country, varsity wrestling, track, hard core climber, etc. I used to be a very hard physical worker, I used to do a lot of things really well. Before I started this new life (especially in Argentina), I did a number of things on a weekly basis that were social and interactive with society.
The overall message of this is that I'm feeling a very "oh holy shit!" feeling. I'm scared that I'm turning into exactly the person I don't want to. I want to be a good, kind, caring, honest, hard working, respectable person that others see and value as a friend. I want to be important to others, I want to be respected and looked up to. How do you do that when you sit at a computer all day? You can't!
So here is my pledge. I am going to branch out more. I am going to get myself back in shape (even if my knees don't want me to-- there are other ways besides running). I am going to revitalize my social self. I am going to eat better. I am going to do everything necessary to live my life in a way that impacts everyone around me in a positive light. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough for people and I'm sick of feeling like there is validity in Amara Fitzsimmons' feelings that I am inadequate. And the only way to stop feeling like that is to believe it. And the only way to believe it is to do it.
I need to fall back in love with myself. Without love for yourself, you cannot give it to others. Without respect for yourself, you have absolutely nothing. And even though those closest to you may say or do things that hurt more than you could ever imagine, unfortunately sometimes you just have to 'keep on keepin' on'. Because a "what's the point?" attitude just doesn't cut it.
And It won't. So here's to my new life. Starting now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
I'm breaking up with my life.
Well HERES the problem.
I've figgured out yet another problem that I have. I haven't been feeling bad lately because of myself. I've been feeling bad for others. Because others make me feel like their problems are my problems. And in large part, it's because I let them.
Well, that's the end of it. I'm tired of feeling like I somehow inconvenience everyone around me for living my life. I'm tired of people getting upset at me for wanting to fix my fucking broken down house, and get my life in order. I'm especially tired of it because I'm not the only one with responsibilities in the matter, though I'm pretty much the only one doing anything about it.
I'm also tired of people making selfish choices that fuck up my life, both with them, and in general. The proverbial flack that is the backlash washing away from the explosion that was caused when certain people decided to selfishly put themselves in certain situations with me, despite very clear, honest communication, is something that has been digging in under my skin for far too long.
The whirlwind that I have to reap just to stay in a relationship that I never called down the thunder for just doesn't make sense. Not only do I constantly have to try to please, and keep up, and extend my hand, but then the circumstances are reversed, as I'm told I don't do any of it enough.
ITS OVER. ALL OF IT. I am not cutting off, but I am saying NO. If you want to be my friend, then you deserve my respect. But if you want to be my friend? You have to give me the respect as well.
I don't give you shit. I don't get impatient. I don't snap or make passive aggressive comments or lose my patience. Don't do it to me, because I don't do it to you. And if you expect something of me, youd better DAMN well be ready to give it back in a second. Because THAT, mother fuckers, is what friendship is about.
It's called Reciprocity. Learn it, so I don't have to keep hurting myself for you. Because it's over.
I've figgured out yet another problem that I have. I haven't been feeling bad lately because of myself. I've been feeling bad for others. Because others make me feel like their problems are my problems. And in large part, it's because I let them.
Well, that's the end of it. I'm tired of feeling like I somehow inconvenience everyone around me for living my life. I'm tired of people getting upset at me for wanting to fix my fucking broken down house, and get my life in order. I'm especially tired of it because I'm not the only one with responsibilities in the matter, though I'm pretty much the only one doing anything about it.
I'm also tired of people making selfish choices that fuck up my life, both with them, and in general. The proverbial flack that is the backlash washing away from the explosion that was caused when certain people decided to selfishly put themselves in certain situations with me, despite very clear, honest communication, is something that has been digging in under my skin for far too long.
The whirlwind that I have to reap just to stay in a relationship that I never called down the thunder for just doesn't make sense. Not only do I constantly have to try to please, and keep up, and extend my hand, but then the circumstances are reversed, as I'm told I don't do any of it enough.
ITS OVER. ALL OF IT. I am not cutting off, but I am saying NO. If you want to be my friend, then you deserve my respect. But if you want to be my friend? You have to give me the respect as well.
I don't give you shit. I don't get impatient. I don't snap or make passive aggressive comments or lose my patience. Don't do it to me, because I don't do it to you. And if you expect something of me, youd better DAMN well be ready to give it back in a second. Because THAT, mother fuckers, is what friendship is about.
It's called Reciprocity. Learn it, so I don't have to keep hurting myself for you. Because it's over.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Back at it, I guess.
it's been a really long time since I've written in here. Makes sense, i guess. "no time". Whatever. Plenty of time, no motivation. Now my back is against a wall and I have nowhere to turn. Every single person I have to turn to seems like somebody that I don't want to talk to right now, for whatever they may say to "comfort" me or for the "i told you so" bullshit they'll spoon feed me. But there's no "i told you so" to be had here.
It's really just a new step in life that I have to deal with. I have a lot of things on my plate right now that only I can solve, and that a lot of people I know can either not offer valid council for lack of experience, or they can't help because I already know what they are going to say, and I'm not going to listen to that because I'm more compassionate than that.
To be quite honest, I've never been more uncertain about my future than I have been in the last 4 weeks. With my mother cutting the cord (im not bitter about it at all, though- she has been more than generous with me-- I just am realizing it is all) and the realization that I'm finally on my own sinking in... I'm getting frantic. I want more than anything to finish my 2nd degree and get the fuck out of college into a real job that pays real income. But no. That doesn't look possible. Job after job keeps coming belly up, and with all my income turning right back into expense, the panic light turns on. And gets brighter. And brighter.
I'm running out of money fast, and I can't use a Spanish degree around here, it seems. What's that about, anyways? My whole life was in preparation for December the 12th, and for what? I graduate, to find out that I might be able to get a job at cruisin coffee. Fuckin sweet. And meanwhile I'll be getting min. wage as a temporary, one-week-only great-clips receptionist who, when it's not busy, will stand outside in the giant condom-shaped shampoo bottle and attract lots of stupid fucking attention. Again, for minimum wage.
Today my only job that utilizes my spanish degree was cut (before it even started) because they wanted a 'native speaker'. Well FUCK YOU! Don't advertise, tell me I have the job, and then change your mind, fuckstick! I was counting on that shit! YOU ASS HOLE!
So back to square one, where you still have--- oh. Wait. What's that, you say? You kissed another guy?
...oh. oh, ok. sure.
Ok, back to square zero, where you're alone, sad, weak, stupid, depressed, ugly, annoying, and all other manners of LOW. See, square zero is the one where you THOUGHT you had something, but then that something turned inside out. Just like your stomache, heart, and brain, all at once. Square zero the one where you feel a little helpless and all you want to do is crawl into a hole inside a hole and never come out. At least you can eat worms in the hole. Outside the hole, there's no gurantee there will be ANYTHING to eat, because YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEY.
Well, I guess you could eat dog shit, but that's probably not nutritious. Better than worms...? Probably not.
Hey, look on the bright side. At least you haven't gone to square negative one yet, or any square below that. Trust me, those squares suck. Or so I've heard.
BUT NOW!!!!! I'm at a FUCKING CROSSROADS. A FUCKING CROSSROADS THAT I NEVER ASKED TO BE AT!!! But THEN, somebody ELSE came along and put a BAG over my head and took me HERE and dropped me OFF and I HAVE TO DECIDE WHICH WAY TO GO.
Well FUCK THAT. It's god damned ANNOYING. At least when i was on the other end of the gun I had a reason for it. It wasn't like, *oops* I made out with you. It was more like, "I hate my significant other, let me make out with you to end it". Hang on a minute while I go break something.
*&^&^%^&*&^%$#&*(*$&#(&($*#*&(#$#$(**(#$*&#$*&(#$*&(#$^%*&(^!)!!)(#*&@!$#*&()#@%)(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&%$#@#&()Q#&(((*^&q#w$@#$*&)(#@$&&#@*&)(#$*&)(#$@*&)(#$@*&)($#@$*&)(#@#$@&)#$@#@%^*&!(@*&)((*&#$)(*@#%*&^@#$^*&)#@()*&#(*&)#@$()*&#*&)(@#$_(#$&)(*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if only that were HALF OF WHAT IM THINKING RIGHT NOW.
it's been a really long time since I've written in here. Makes sense, i guess. "no time". Whatever. Plenty of time, no motivation. Now my back is against a wall and I have nowhere to turn. Every single person I have to turn to seems like somebody that I don't want to talk to right now, for whatever they may say to "comfort" me or for the "i told you so" bullshit they'll spoon feed me. But there's no "i told you so" to be had here.
It's really just a new step in life that I have to deal with. I have a lot of things on my plate right now that only I can solve, and that a lot of people I know can either not offer valid council for lack of experience, or they can't help because I already know what they are going to say, and I'm not going to listen to that because I'm more compassionate than that.
To be quite honest, I've never been more uncertain about my future than I have been in the last 4 weeks. With my mother cutting the cord (im not bitter about it at all, though- she has been more than generous with me-- I just am realizing it is all) and the realization that I'm finally on my own sinking in... I'm getting frantic. I want more than anything to finish my 2nd degree and get the fuck out of college into a real job that pays real income. But no. That doesn't look possible. Job after job keeps coming belly up, and with all my income turning right back into expense, the panic light turns on. And gets brighter. And brighter.
I'm running out of money fast, and I can't use a Spanish degree around here, it seems. What's that about, anyways? My whole life was in preparation for December the 12th, and for what? I graduate, to find out that I might be able to get a job at cruisin coffee. Fuckin sweet. And meanwhile I'll be getting min. wage as a temporary, one-week-only great-clips receptionist who, when it's not busy, will stand outside in the giant condom-shaped shampoo bottle and attract lots of stupid fucking attention. Again, for minimum wage.
Today my only job that utilizes my spanish degree was cut (before it even started) because they wanted a 'native speaker'. Well FUCK YOU! Don't advertise, tell me I have the job, and then change your mind, fuckstick! I was counting on that shit! YOU ASS HOLE!
So back to square one, where you still have--- oh. Wait. What's that, you say? You kissed another guy?
...oh. oh, ok. sure.
Ok, back to square zero, where you're alone, sad, weak, stupid, depressed, ugly, annoying, and all other manners of LOW. See, square zero is the one where you THOUGHT you had something, but then that something turned inside out. Just like your stomache, heart, and brain, all at once. Square zero the one where you feel a little helpless and all you want to do is crawl into a hole inside a hole and never come out. At least you can eat worms in the hole. Outside the hole, there's no gurantee there will be ANYTHING to eat, because YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEY.
Well, I guess you could eat dog shit, but that's probably not nutritious. Better than worms...? Probably not.
Hey, look on the bright side. At least you haven't gone to square negative one yet, or any square below that. Trust me, those squares suck. Or so I've heard.
BUT NOW!!!!! I'm at a FUCKING CROSSROADS. A FUCKING CROSSROADS THAT I NEVER ASKED TO BE AT!!! But THEN, somebody ELSE came along and put a BAG over my head and took me HERE and dropped me OFF and I HAVE TO DECIDE WHICH WAY TO GO.
Well FUCK THAT. It's god damned ANNOYING. At least when i was on the other end of the gun I had a reason for it. It wasn't like, *oops* I made out with you. It was more like, "I hate my significant other, let me make out with you to end it". Hang on a minute while I go break something.
*&^&^%^&*&^%$#&*(*$&#(&($*#*&(#$#$(**(#$*&#$*&(#$*&(#$^%*&(^!)!!)(#*&@!$#*&()#@%)(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&%$#@#&()Q#&(((*^&q#w$@#$*&)(#@$&&#@*&)(#$*&)(#$@*&)(#$@*&)($#@$*&)(#@#$@&)#$@#@%^*&!(@*&)((*&#$)(*@#%*&^@#$^*&)#@()*&#(*&)#@$()*&#*&)(@#$_(#$&)(*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if only that were HALF OF WHAT IM THINKING RIGHT NOW.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Why?
I've been feeling so lonely the last several days. After Amara broke up with me (for the fourth and seemingly last time, which is probably good), I've found myself yearning to fill the space that was left. It had been a long time since I'd had a real, steady 'girlfriend'. It was nice. It is nice. To feel like somebody is there, rooting for you. I talked to her tonight, and had to resist with all my might to talk to her about it. All I wanted to say was "I love you". I just couldn't do it. I'm doing my best to get over it... I think the only reason I've been doing so good at that is because I'm so busy. Its such a weird thing!! She always told me, right up to the end, how much she was happy to have me around. And then all of a sudden, she said so many things that I could scarcely believe I was hearing. I felt so insulted. I felt so taken advantage of. I'm not super man, I'm not the best boyfriend in the world. I know it's probably true. But I do the best I can, which I thought was obvious. Wasn't it!???
Usually after a break up I understand the motive. Not this time. Not the last 3 other times either. It's so hard for me to say if she's just completely emotionally insecure or if I really am all those horrible things that she said. Am I?? What am I? What am I becoming? I don't know what to say. I feel like I fucked up by getting that job in Alaska... like if I hadn't she wouldn't have broken up with me. The misunderstanding about what I wanted with our relationship wasn't helpful either... I just don't know what to say or do. Did she think, honestly, that I didn't want to be in a relationship when I was in Alaska? WHY!? Like there's other dating possibilities on a 3 man BOAT?! I just DON'T GET IT. I suppose me trying to be understanding comes off as me not caring-- when I said that I would understand if she didn't want to date over the summer. I just figured that she would like me trying to understand that she would feel alone and abandoned. But she didn't look at it deeper. She didn't think in my shoes-- my debt, how much I need this job. It's only 6 weeks. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! IF I WAS RICH THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, THEN, WOULD IT!?
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK
Now I feel like a dumbass and at the same time I don't have a choice. If I didn't take this job, I'd be far worse off in the long run. The possibility of paying off half of my student loans in just a few weeks... its unbelievable. But she didn't see it like that. I guess she doesn't have loans, so she doesn't understand.
I'm so, so sad that we weren't important enough for her to just push through a few weeks more, wait for the amazing moment of reuniting after being apart for a month and a half. And while I still wrestle with the "why" between us, I will still never be quite "okay" being around her. I can do it... it will just be so, so hard.
Because I still love her.
:(
L
Usually after a break up I understand the motive. Not this time. Not the last 3 other times either. It's so hard for me to say if she's just completely emotionally insecure or if I really am all those horrible things that she said. Am I?? What am I? What am I becoming? I don't know what to say. I feel like I fucked up by getting that job in Alaska... like if I hadn't she wouldn't have broken up with me. The misunderstanding about what I wanted with our relationship wasn't helpful either... I just don't know what to say or do. Did she think, honestly, that I didn't want to be in a relationship when I was in Alaska? WHY!? Like there's other dating possibilities on a 3 man BOAT?! I just DON'T GET IT. I suppose me trying to be understanding comes off as me not caring-- when I said that I would understand if she didn't want to date over the summer. I just figured that she would like me trying to understand that she would feel alone and abandoned. But she didn't look at it deeper. She didn't think in my shoes-- my debt, how much I need this job. It's only 6 weeks. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! IF I WAS RICH THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, THEN, WOULD IT!?
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK
Now I feel like a dumbass and at the same time I don't have a choice. If I didn't take this job, I'd be far worse off in the long run. The possibility of paying off half of my student loans in just a few weeks... its unbelievable. But she didn't see it like that. I guess she doesn't have loans, so she doesn't understand.
I'm so, so sad that we weren't important enough for her to just push through a few weeks more, wait for the amazing moment of reuniting after being apart for a month and a half. And while I still wrestle with the "why" between us, I will still never be quite "okay" being around her. I can do it... it will just be so, so hard.
Because I still love her.
:(
L
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Ethics 101
With great power comes great responsibility.
But in many cases, "comes great responsibility" is apparently optional. Before I go any further, allow me to arrogantly flatter myself. I am an honest person. I feel as though I minimize my negative karma as much as possible, when I do things like pick up the piece of trash that missed the trash can, apologize for hurting somebody's feelings, or do what in most situations is called "right". Let's not lie- I'm not perfect at all, and I mess up all the time. But at the very least, I am an honest man.
Any other honest folks out there have, like me, realized that there is an instant gratification to doing something right. A clearer conscience, a better world, a safe puppy... whatever. But in a log of cases, when your clear-conscious comes with having to trust that somebody else will ALSO help you better the world, we find that it actually ends up getting you completely SCREWED. In my case: I do a good deed, and am done in by the very people that I went oh-so-far out of my way to help and protect.
Let's start from the beginning. Spring break. I'm chillin' in my apartment one day, just got out of the shower, feet up on my desk listenin' to some tunes, and contemplating my not-so-promising future. It occurs to me, quite all of a sudden, that for that future, I should at least be a failure in style- that is, with a laptop. Now, I have some money, I won't lie. I don't have a ton, but I do, from time to time, have a few extra bucks lying around that I could spend if need be. So I decided to Craigslist-it-up and see what I couldn't dig out of the proverbial community rummage bin. After a short search, I find one with pretty good specs that's going for 270 with a case. I do of course think to myself, the specs are a bit good for the price, but I immediately forget it, telling myself that it's probably old, too. After contacting the fellow (who seems to be in a hurry), we decide to meet and make real business happen: money, laptop.
I am told to meet him at the 7/11 on Alabama street. Sketchy enough, but I got my motorcycle in pretty much the same fashion, so I wasn't too worried. However, when I arrive, the fellow is not inside the 7/11, but rather inside his big, white van. Hmm.
Well, I'm already here, so I decide to buy the laptop anyways. After refusing his constant attempts to sell me a few other nice gadgets (a new zune, some memory chips, the van itself), I concluded that he was most likely a crook. As he drives away, I quickly glance at his liscence plate telling myself that "if there were ever a time in your life that you shouldn't forget a number, it's now." That turns out to be a good choice. When I get home and inspect the laptop further, it turns out being way, way too nice for the price that I got it for. Obviously stolen. So after a bit of detective work, I luckily (or rather, not so luckily) find a screen name in the "Yahoo! Messenger" folder. When I email the screen name, asking if the person had had a laptop stolen recently, I get a phone call from a man named Rich Wiley within a half hour.
It turns out that the laptop is actually property of Resultstel, with whom Rich Wiley is an employee. Resultstel is an international phone routing company that is designed to work with customer support for a variety of different companies (like medicaid), much like the overly-cheery folks you would talk to were you to have a problem with your computer or cell phone. I relax quite a bit, seeing as how it's an international company and so therefore I shouldn't have any problem having them reimburse me for returning their laptop. After being passed on from Mr. Wiley to the Vice President of the company Ian Gunn, they call the police and I spend 2 days going to the police department here in Bellingham (alone, mind you) to work out the issue. The police then decide that it is necessary to take the laptop from me as evidence, and in return give me:
Nothing.
So now I'm sitting here thinking, O.K., what do I do? The officer I am working with very solemnly apologizes for the fact that in a situation such as this, I cannot be reimbursed by Bellingham's police department, which honestly only makes sense. The only way to get my money back would be to explain to the original owner of the laptop (a huge, multinational company) that I am a poor, dying college student that can't survive unless I get my money back. I don't find that idea too mind-boggling, seeing as how I also am the reason that they caught the guy (and oh yes, they caught him)- I gave them liscence plates, vehicle descriptions, physical descriptions... the works.
Perhaps I'm the only one in the world who thinks that it's really not too much to ask that Resultstel gives me my money back, or perhaps not. After all, I was informed that they were going to have their laptop returned to them after the trial ended. Which means that instead of having to buy a new one, they just pay me the finders fee and we happily go our separate ways. Is that the case?
I think not. Read on.
So, within the first two or three days of buying the laptop, I receive about 15 phone calls from a pair of different people from Resultstel. The calls are intended to explain what happened and how I am going to return the laptop to them, but also in passing I'm lauded for being a good citizen and for going out on a limb even when I'm not sure what will happen with a large sum of money that was the equivalent of almost 2 of my paychecks (obviously I don't work a lot, but I'm a student too. You get the point). However, the most surprising (and simultaneously not surprising) part of it all, is that the second that I turn the laptop in to the police, I stop receiving phone calls from the people with whom I had been working within the Resultstel company whatsoever. I spend about a week calling, asking if they are going to follow up on their promises that they would "love to reimburse me for doing such a good thing". But when it really comes down to it, they had lied straight through their teeth. I ever so patiently wait a full week for a return call, and receive nothing despite all of my efforts to contact them.
What, then, would my next step be? I decide to pull out the big guns. Go above their heads! Call the corporate office! And, oh so boldly, I do! I get myself in contact with Michael Shine, the secretary of the corporate office (whose phone number happens to be (954)-921-2400, extension 132). Imagine his reaction when a poor, stupid college boy calls begging for funding because one of their branches brushed him aside and hid in selfish shame in the face of true honesty and righteousness over a meager 270 dollars. He is shocked! Appalled! I am told that the company owner will be made aware of this immediately, and something will be done.
Yay! My mind spins in excitement and wonder! Gleeful thoughts race through my head, like "I can turn my heater back on!" or "I can eat again!" I celebrate with a beer. But day after day, I start realizing that maybe I was yet again lied to. That perhaps spending my 5 dollars on that celebratory beer was a bad idea, because now I have to eat my cereal dry. I very painfully wait several days, and yet again am not contacted. I try again. I again, Mr. Shine tells me the same thing. But this time: no sir. I don't believe what I am told.
Instead, I try to contact somebody else within the local branch that I have just served oh so willingly. I call the head of the Human Resources department in the Bellingham branch, Shawna. Shawna tells me the textbook response (not unlike that of the Corporate office), and also informs me that she'll get back to me. Over the next few days, I get phone calls from my girlfriend, two telemarketers, my mother, and a few buddies. But not a single one from Resultstel, inc. What a surprise.
It's time for a new, more wrathful plan. A demonstration of my might as a do-gooding citizen, a show of the fact that I won't be trampled upon by mindless, selfish people who in the very recent past have been shown a huge courtesy in the name of good. I decide to make a cameo appearance at the Resultstel: Bellingham location. A quick google search gives me all the information I need: their address (which happens to be 4204 Meridian St. Suite 211, Bellingham Washington 98225), and their phone number (which happens to be (360)671-0467). I putter over there on my bike and plop down (albeit a bit angrily) in a chair, taking a look around. It reminds me very much of the false, smiley atmosphere that is probably very similar to the ticking clockwork behind many-a-giant, corporate machine (such as Walmart or I H8 U, Inc.- that's a skateboarding company, I think). And I sit. And I sit. And I sit.
I draw quite a bit of attention. People are confused as to why I am there, even though I assure them that I only want to talk to the HR manager, Shawna. The lovely lady who, like many others in this big, tangly, confusing company, seemingly enjoys blowing people off. Shawna exits her meeting and I sit there, feeling quite insulted, watching her walk back and forth (fully aware of who I am and why I am there), pretending to have too much to do to talk to me in spite of the fact that she's not actually doing anything (take note, corporate office!). After about a half hour, she calls me into her office. In reality, what was said in the office was not much different from what was said on the phone, other than the fact that I expressed my personal hurt for what was going on, in a very respectful manner. What did she tell me? You already know.
I leave again. I wait again. I am not called. Again.
My last resort: call the man it all started with, Ian Gunn. So I do. And he, finally, tells me that after speaking with the owner of the company, he was told that because Resultstel is getting their laptop back, they won't be getting insurance money for it (which would cover the cost of getting a new one), and therefore they don't find it fair to have to pay me back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be aggressive or anything but...
WHAT THE HELL!?
I'm sorry for being dense, but have I somehow inconvenienced you by returning your laptop? Did I ruin your plans for upgrading your equipment via having it stolen and getting new technology for free instead of paying for it? Well, as is often the case, I suppose that my personal well-being IS an acceptable sacrifice for the upgrade of Resultstel Technologies' equipment. It really makes sense, if you think about it. Give up the well-being of one for the good of many, right? I guess I should just shut up, and remember the old phrase, "all for one, one for all!".
All of this has been over the span of a month. Since the day that I turned in the laptop that was owned by Resultstel, Inc, I have not received one phone call. Why waste time blowing me off by phone when you could just ignore me until I shut my mouth? Well heres one for you:
I will not shut my mouth. I've been all over the globe and I have seen injustice at it's finest. And I have always sworn that were I to become the victim of some unjust act such as this, I would not lie down for it. I would fight. And, though I cannot legally do anything, I can at the very least let everyone else know that the company Resultstel, Inc. is an extremely non-ethical, uncaring group of people out for self betterment at any cost. This was demonstrated to me by their blatant disregard for their own equipment (as it was stolen to begin with), and then the lack of common respect to either call and thank me (and reimburse me, no less), or at the very least to BLOW ME OFF.
So to anyone who finds themselves bored enough to have read this entire, blabby, whiney article, I urge you: never work with this company, and inform anyone you know of their unprofessional, rude and inconsiderate nature as an entity. My interaction with them was something that made me an ally to them, and they STILL didn't "scratch my back"- imagine if you work with them and you were considered neutral? You would more than likely be screwed over far worse, due to an excess of indifference and disregard.
This isn't Craigslist's fault, and I'd almost go as far as to say that it's not the criminal's fault. The truth is that there are people out there who, even though they are the victim of one crime, still commit crimes of their own that are overlooked every day. I suppose you just have to look a little closer to see what and who they are. Oh, and did I mention that it's all student loans? I suppose, then, that in the meantime I'll be back on Craigslist, looking for another place to deposit 270 dollars of cold, hard cash that as before, still isn't mine.
But in many cases, "comes great responsibility" is apparently optional. Before I go any further, allow me to arrogantly flatter myself. I am an honest person. I feel as though I minimize my negative karma as much as possible, when I do things like pick up the piece of trash that missed the trash can, apologize for hurting somebody's feelings, or do what in most situations is called "right". Let's not lie- I'm not perfect at all, and I mess up all the time. But at the very least, I am an honest man.
Any other honest folks out there have, like me, realized that there is an instant gratification to doing something right. A clearer conscience, a better world, a safe puppy... whatever. But in a log of cases, when your clear-conscious comes with having to trust that somebody else will ALSO help you better the world, we find that it actually ends up getting you completely SCREWED. In my case: I do a good deed, and am done in by the very people that I went oh-so-far out of my way to help and protect.
Let's start from the beginning. Spring break. I'm chillin' in my apartment one day, just got out of the shower, feet up on my desk listenin' to some tunes, and contemplating my not-so-promising future. It occurs to me, quite all of a sudden, that for that future, I should at least be a failure in style- that is, with a laptop. Now, I have some money, I won't lie. I don't have a ton, but I do, from time to time, have a few extra bucks lying around that I could spend if need be. So I decided to Craigslist-it-up and see what I couldn't dig out of the proverbial community rummage bin. After a short search, I find one with pretty good specs that's going for 270 with a case. I do of course think to myself, the specs are a bit good for the price, but I immediately forget it, telling myself that it's probably old, too. After contacting the fellow (who seems to be in a hurry), we decide to meet and make real business happen: money, laptop.
I am told to meet him at the 7/11 on Alabama street. Sketchy enough, but I got my motorcycle in pretty much the same fashion, so I wasn't too worried. However, when I arrive, the fellow is not inside the 7/11, but rather inside his big, white van. Hmm.
Well, I'm already here, so I decide to buy the laptop anyways. After refusing his constant attempts to sell me a few other nice gadgets (a new zune, some memory chips, the van itself), I concluded that he was most likely a crook. As he drives away, I quickly glance at his liscence plate telling myself that "if there were ever a time in your life that you shouldn't forget a number, it's now." That turns out to be a good choice. When I get home and inspect the laptop further, it turns out being way, way too nice for the price that I got it for. Obviously stolen. So after a bit of detective work, I luckily (or rather, not so luckily) find a screen name in the "Yahoo! Messenger" folder. When I email the screen name, asking if the person had had a laptop stolen recently, I get a phone call from a man named Rich Wiley within a half hour.
It turns out that the laptop is actually property of Resultstel, with whom Rich Wiley is an employee. Resultstel is an international phone routing company that is designed to work with customer support for a variety of different companies (like medicaid), much like the overly-cheery folks you would talk to were you to have a problem with your computer or cell phone. I relax quite a bit, seeing as how it's an international company and so therefore I shouldn't have any problem having them reimburse me for returning their laptop. After being passed on from Mr. Wiley to the Vice President of the company Ian Gunn, they call the police and I spend 2 days going to the police department here in Bellingham (alone, mind you) to work out the issue. The police then decide that it is necessary to take the laptop from me as evidence, and in return give me:
Nothing.
So now I'm sitting here thinking, O.K., what do I do? The officer I am working with very solemnly apologizes for the fact that in a situation such as this, I cannot be reimbursed by Bellingham's police department, which honestly only makes sense. The only way to get my money back would be to explain to the original owner of the laptop (a huge, multinational company) that I am a poor, dying college student that can't survive unless I get my money back. I don't find that idea too mind-boggling, seeing as how I also am the reason that they caught the guy (and oh yes, they caught him)- I gave them liscence plates, vehicle descriptions, physical descriptions... the works.
Perhaps I'm the only one in the world who thinks that it's really not too much to ask that Resultstel gives me my money back, or perhaps not. After all, I was informed that they were going to have their laptop returned to them after the trial ended. Which means that instead of having to buy a new one, they just pay me the finders fee and we happily go our separate ways. Is that the case?
I think not. Read on.
So, within the first two or three days of buying the laptop, I receive about 15 phone calls from a pair of different people from Resultstel. The calls are intended to explain what happened and how I am going to return the laptop to them, but also in passing I'm lauded for being a good citizen and for going out on a limb even when I'm not sure what will happen with a large sum of money that was the equivalent of almost 2 of my paychecks (obviously I don't work a lot, but I'm a student too. You get the point). However, the most surprising (and simultaneously not surprising) part of it all, is that the second that I turn the laptop in to the police, I stop receiving phone calls from the people with whom I had been working within the Resultstel company whatsoever. I spend about a week calling, asking if they are going to follow up on their promises that they would "love to reimburse me for doing such a good thing". But when it really comes down to it, they had lied straight through their teeth. I ever so patiently wait a full week for a return call, and receive nothing despite all of my efforts to contact them.
What, then, would my next step be? I decide to pull out the big guns. Go above their heads! Call the corporate office! And, oh so boldly, I do! I get myself in contact with Michael Shine, the secretary of the corporate office (whose phone number happens to be (954)-921-2400, extension 132). Imagine his reaction when a poor, stupid college boy calls begging for funding because one of their branches brushed him aside and hid in selfish shame in the face of true honesty and righteousness over a meager 270 dollars. He is shocked! Appalled! I am told that the company owner will be made aware of this immediately, and something will be done.
Yay! My mind spins in excitement and wonder! Gleeful thoughts race through my head, like "I can turn my heater back on!" or "I can eat again!" I celebrate with a beer. But day after day, I start realizing that maybe I was yet again lied to. That perhaps spending my 5 dollars on that celebratory beer was a bad idea, because now I have to eat my cereal dry. I very painfully wait several days, and yet again am not contacted. I try again. I again, Mr. Shine tells me the same thing. But this time: no sir. I don't believe what I am told.
Instead, I try to contact somebody else within the local branch that I have just served oh so willingly. I call the head of the Human Resources department in the Bellingham branch, Shawna. Shawna tells me the textbook response (not unlike that of the Corporate office), and also informs me that she'll get back to me. Over the next few days, I get phone calls from my girlfriend, two telemarketers, my mother, and a few buddies. But not a single one from Resultstel, inc. What a surprise.
It's time for a new, more wrathful plan. A demonstration of my might as a do-gooding citizen, a show of the fact that I won't be trampled upon by mindless, selfish people who in the very recent past have been shown a huge courtesy in the name of good. I decide to make a cameo appearance at the Resultstel: Bellingham location. A quick google search gives me all the information I need: their address (which happens to be 4204 Meridian St. Suite 211, Bellingham Washington 98225), and their phone number (which happens to be (360)671-0467). I putter over there on my bike and plop down (albeit a bit angrily) in a chair, taking a look around. It reminds me very much of the false, smiley atmosphere that is probably very similar to the ticking clockwork behind many-a-giant, corporate machine (such as Walmart or I H8 U, Inc.- that's a skateboarding company, I think). And I sit. And I sit. And I sit.
I draw quite a bit of attention. People are confused as to why I am there, even though I assure them that I only want to talk to the HR manager, Shawna. The lovely lady who, like many others in this big, tangly, confusing company, seemingly enjoys blowing people off. Shawna exits her meeting and I sit there, feeling quite insulted, watching her walk back and forth (fully aware of who I am and why I am there), pretending to have too much to do to talk to me in spite of the fact that she's not actually doing anything (take note, corporate office!). After about a half hour, she calls me into her office. In reality, what was said in the office was not much different from what was said on the phone, other than the fact that I expressed my personal hurt for what was going on, in a very respectful manner. What did she tell me? You already know.
I leave again. I wait again. I am not called. Again.
My last resort: call the man it all started with, Ian Gunn. So I do. And he, finally, tells me that after speaking with the owner of the company, he was told that because Resultstel is getting their laptop back, they won't be getting insurance money for it (which would cover the cost of getting a new one), and therefore they don't find it fair to have to pay me back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be aggressive or anything but...
WHAT THE HELL!?
I'm sorry for being dense, but have I somehow inconvenienced you by returning your laptop? Did I ruin your plans for upgrading your equipment via having it stolen and getting new technology for free instead of paying for it? Well, as is often the case, I suppose that my personal well-being IS an acceptable sacrifice for the upgrade of Resultstel Technologies' equipment. It really makes sense, if you think about it. Give up the well-being of one for the good of many, right? I guess I should just shut up, and remember the old phrase, "all for one, one for all!".
All of this has been over the span of a month. Since the day that I turned in the laptop that was owned by Resultstel, Inc, I have not received one phone call. Why waste time blowing me off by phone when you could just ignore me until I shut my mouth? Well heres one for you:
I will not shut my mouth. I've been all over the globe and I have seen injustice at it's finest. And I have always sworn that were I to become the victim of some unjust act such as this, I would not lie down for it. I would fight. And, though I cannot legally do anything, I can at the very least let everyone else know that the company Resultstel, Inc. is an extremely non-ethical, uncaring group of people out for self betterment at any cost. This was demonstrated to me by their blatant disregard for their own equipment (as it was stolen to begin with), and then the lack of common respect to either call and thank me (and reimburse me, no less), or at the very least to BLOW ME OFF.
So to anyone who finds themselves bored enough to have read this entire, blabby, whiney article, I urge you: never work with this company, and inform anyone you know of their unprofessional, rude and inconsiderate nature as an entity. My interaction with them was something that made me an ally to them, and they STILL didn't "scratch my back"- imagine if you work with them and you were considered neutral? You would more than likely be screwed over far worse, due to an excess of indifference and disregard.
This isn't Craigslist's fault, and I'd almost go as far as to say that it's not the criminal's fault. The truth is that there are people out there who, even though they are the victim of one crime, still commit crimes of their own that are overlooked every day. I suppose you just have to look a little closer to see what and who they are. Oh, and did I mention that it's all student loans? I suppose, then, that in the meantime I'll be back on Craigslist, looking for another place to deposit 270 dollars of cold, hard cash that as before, still isn't mine.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Fuck up
Two possibilities here.
1. I'm a total, inconsiderate asshole to the whole world.
2. I just happen to unite myself with people who have closed, overprotective views of themselves and who are incapable of honestly trying to see what other people are saying, regardless of their personal views.
But you know what??? I get completely, totally bent out of shape, and stressed out when I feel like I've done wrong to somebody else. Or like I've somehow offended them, or done something hurtful. The thing that makes me feel even worse, though, is when I apologize, or try to make a connection that will recreate a new bridge to heal the wound, and the person completely overlooks it. Continues to play the wounded one, instead of going, oh, the man wants to fix the issue. He wants to move past it.
What do I need to do to get people to understand that I never meant to be how I am to them? Sorry for being me, I'm inconsiderate sometimes. But I feel like I make up for it with things like being completely accepting to you, understanding, caring. I might be a fuck-up of a friend all the time, miss one of my best friends birthday parties because of stupid drama that I'm too selfish to get over, not give a shit about most aspects of my life that I find completely pointless... but I still can look at you and go, "I think you're completely, totally, awesome".
Anyways.
Sorry to the world for everything I've done to fuck up your existence. But you know... who cares? You don't give a shit at this point anyways, and I'm completely beyond redemption. I guess thats how it goes when I fuck up this bad.
Isn't that right?
1. I'm a total, inconsiderate asshole to the whole world.
2. I just happen to unite myself with people who have closed, overprotective views of themselves and who are incapable of honestly trying to see what other people are saying, regardless of their personal views.
But you know what??? I get completely, totally bent out of shape, and stressed out when I feel like I've done wrong to somebody else. Or like I've somehow offended them, or done something hurtful. The thing that makes me feel even worse, though, is when I apologize, or try to make a connection that will recreate a new bridge to heal the wound, and the person completely overlooks it. Continues to play the wounded one, instead of going, oh, the man wants to fix the issue. He wants to move past it.
What do I need to do to get people to understand that I never meant to be how I am to them? Sorry for being me, I'm inconsiderate sometimes. But I feel like I make up for it with things like being completely accepting to you, understanding, caring. I might be a fuck-up of a friend all the time, miss one of my best friends birthday parties because of stupid drama that I'm too selfish to get over, not give a shit about most aspects of my life that I find completely pointless... but I still can look at you and go, "I think you're completely, totally, awesome".
Anyways.
Sorry to the world for everything I've done to fuck up your existence. But you know... who cares? You don't give a shit at this point anyways, and I'm completely beyond redemption. I guess thats how it goes when I fuck up this bad.
Isn't that right?
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