I am a dumbass!

Wow. I just watched the video of my marimba concert that I put on in June of 2008. And I have some things to say.

First off, wow, I thought I was better than that. I really fucked that up a lot. The other thing about it is, I look at myself in that concert and I see somebody who I don't want to be!! I was (and still feel) incredibly insecure! Holy shit!! You know when you look at somebody and you can tell they are acting? I really feel like I acted through my whole concert. And I'm not even that good! It's like a bunch of showmanship to play up my marimba pieces, and make them look harder than they are. Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid. And I can see that very, very clearly now. I see how much insecurity I have and carry around with myself. It's got to go. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it... but I am, somehow. You can't be a real man without getting rid of your insecurities. And I have a lot of them.

First off, I'm extremely worried about what people will think about me. All the time. It wasn't so bad as it is now, especially. I don't know what my deal is. And I also saw a snippet of myself teaching tango and dancing a demo tango... and boy, I just want to hang my head and laugh at myself. What a sham!

This isn't my insecurity talking. I don't feel bad about it at all. I just feel like I'm lacking some serious maturity, and that I just now realize just how much I'm lacking it. Really seriously. And I need it back. Or I need to get it in the first place. I feel like a pimple-nosed wimpy dork and it's weird because I've done a lot of stuff in my life and I shouldn't be like that.

So I am going to stop it. Because whatever it is that leads to that needs to go away. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I realize now has been the root of all of my self esteem and depression problems. I need to love myself, and to do that, I need to be comfortable with myself first.

I will be exploring ways to do that in the very, very near future. But for now, it's 4:00 AM on the east coast (where I currently am sitting) and I have to go to bed.

I'm very pleased that I realized what I did tonight. It is going to help me realize my new self, the one that I have been looking for for a *very* long time now.

Good night.